So today is a new day. And as I said before, I’m just trying to take things one day at a time.
It’s interesting how when you’re down, you’re more aware of the ups and the downs in the days. And boy, how it’s felt like there’s been quite a few ups and lots of downs.
Yesterday was an improvement from Monday and today was an even bigger improvement. Don’t get me wrong there were moments where I got really down today. But thankfully, my work friends are there for me and helped pull me up rather quickly and keep me there. And Mathew. I can’t forget how much of a rock he’s been for me.
I am holding on to the good days and trying not to let the bad days grab hold of me too much. But that’s just so difficult in the moment. Life really is a constant battle and one that I just don’t want to keep fighting some times. Not to say I’m in any danger or need emergency assistance, I don’t. I just mean fighting in the sense of, yes I know I need to do A, B, and C to make myself feel better in the long run but I don’t want to.
I say this because I have a feeling of defeat already. Why should I bother to do these things, I ask myself on an almost constant basis. Yes, I’ll feel better if I stick with them but my past track record shows that I won’t and then I’ll end up right back in this same spot. It’s a vicious cycle that I just don’t feel strong enough or quite ready to break.
Wow. Now that was a powerful thing to admit to myself and all of you.
I want to and need to work on building that strength back before being able to break the cycle once and for all. And for that I need assistance from my support group and will need a tremendous amount of guidance and hand holding to get there.
But hey, one step at a time.
Stay classy and sassy.