Desire (WIP)

I know I said I would get into my time off more in detail but I’ve been finding it difficult to find the right words to articulate what I’m exactly trying to say and have come across. So that is coming. It’s just a work in progress.

However, I’ve been feeling the poetry bug lately. So I wanted to share one that I’m happy with how it’s turned out so far.

I have all these things I want to try,

To accomplish,

To do.

I take steps forward to try.

Small steps.

But that’s when the anxiety creeps in;

“They’ll make fun of you. You’re not good enough. Do you really know how? Do you actually have the time? The drive? Are you skills good enough? Do you have the right stuff?”

These thoughts pull me down.

Quickly snuffing out the fire of any desire I once had.

Not even letting it catch to let it start to blaze within me.

And so I’m left with the same routine.

Doing the same things day in and day out.

What happened to trying? What happened to pushing? What happened to just doing?

What happened to me? When did I change? Where did the person I know go?

 

I hope to find her again.

To let the desire catch and burn, letting nothing stand in it’s way.

#

It’s a little all over the place but the idea is there. I just need to work on getting it more together to flush it out even more. Considering it’s my first poem since I decided to first take my break, I’m proud of it. Sharing what you write is incredibly raw and emotional. It’s hard. But there’s something different about sharing a work in progress. It’s still hard, raw and emotional. But there’s a beauty about it. You get to see that writer in a different way. It’s almost like they show just how human they can really be.

And hey, I’m human.

Stay classy and sassy

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Blocked

I have sat in front of this screen for over an hour trying to figure out what to write.

And nothing has come.

It’s so frustrating to be in a mood to write anything and everything. About anyone and everyone. But the words won’t come.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

For now I feel a bit defeated.

Slipping Back in to Writing, Slowly

Finally working on some writing!

Today I thought I would try and do some writing since it’s been awhile and I’m honestly trying to get back into the groove of normal. I took a look again at a story I abandoned some time ago and wrote some more to it.

In bold is what I already wrote in a previous post and everything not in bold are the new additions to the story. Enjoy!:

There are doctors and nurses whirling around Lucy as she sits in her hospital gown on a hospital gurney with her parents on either side of her in the emergency room. She shakes ever so slightly under her thin gown both from the chill in the hospital to keep germs from multiplying and from her fear of being in hospitals. Lucy didn’t want to come to the hospital, she would much rather be sitting in her room, being alone and pretending she doesn’t exist to the rest of the world. Her parents on the other hand thought differently and carted her off to the emergency room.

Lucy was deeply bothered by the fact that she wasn’t even waiting to be seen in one of the curtained off rooms, rather she was in a hallway, able to see everything coming in and out of the various areas in the emergency room floor. At one point a prison inmate dressed in his prison orange was wheeled by cuffed to the gurney with gun-toting correction officers on either side of the inmate. After Lucy saw a very bloodied woman quickly rushed past by EMT workers she turned to her mother and said, “can’t we go home? Obviously they’re pretty busy with other things. I doubt they’ll even have time to come see me.”

“Lucy, sweetie, it hasn’t be that long. I’m sure they’ll be with us soon,” said Lucy’s mother, Anna.

As Lucy let out a sigh of exasperation a professionally dressed woman with a notepad approached Lucy and her parents, “Lucy? Hi, I’m Dr. Fulson. Do you mind if I talk with you for a couple minutes?”

Lucy looks at both of her parents with confusion but searching for confirmation in their faces. “Go ahead sweet girl, we’ll be right here waiting for you when you come back,” said Lucy’s father, Joe.

“Okay, I guess we can talk,” said Lucy, confusion apparent in her voice.

Dr. Fulson smiled and offered her hand out to help Lucy up off the gurney. “Let’s go find somewhere a little more quiet and private. This hallway isn’t the best for chatting.”

Lucy shrugs off the offer of the helpful hand and hops off the gurney waiting to follow the doctor. Lucy can feel her frustration increasing because no one in explaining anything to her; why she is there, what Dr. Fulson is a doctor of, why she is still hanging out in a hallway, why she is supposed to go with Dr. Fulson and many more questions. Dr. Fulson leads the way, careful to walk at a slow enough pace that Lucy is able to keep up while navigating through all the equipment and through hustle of the emergency room traffic.

~~~

“Are we done now, Dr. Fulson? I would really like to get back to my parents, and I’m tired of answering the same questions rephrased.” said Lucy after what seemed like a 45 minutes of talking.

“Lucy, I wish you would just relax. I’m just trying to understand what’s going on and how we can help you here. But yes, I’m done with the questions, let’s get going,” Dr. Fulson said as she stood up.

“Finally.” Lucy practically jumped up. and followed Dr. Fulson out in to the hall. She was just looking forward to be back with her parents. There was something about the doctor that was giving Lucy a strange feeling, but she shrugged it off with the calm thought that she would soon be back with her mom and dad.

The more long and winding hallways with many different turns the two took, the less Lucy was convinced Dr. Fulson was really taking her back to her parents. The more turns and doorways they went through the less confident Lucy was she could even get back to the office they had talked in, let alone the emergency room.

“Uh, hey Dr. Fulson, I don’t think we’re going the right way,” Lucy said as they went through yet another double door way.

Dr. Fulson just turned around and smiled in response. She quickly turned back around and waved to a passing doctor.

It was amazing how each and every hallway looked exactly the same; no decor or signs giving away where they might be in hospital. “Where are we going then? Where are my parents,” Lucy asked stopping in the middle of the hallway.

Dr. Fulson stopped and turned around slowly to face Lucy. “They’ll meet us soon enough. Don’t worry, Lucy. We’re almost there, anyhow. Come along,” Dr. Fulson said turning back around and continuing down the hall.

Lucy reluctantly followed the doctor, feeling more uneasy with each step she took. The pair took another turn down yet another hall and as they walked halfway down this hall that looked exactly like every other one they went down, Dr. Fulson stopped at a blank looking door on their right. She raised her key card to the panel next to door and heard it beep. Dr. Fulson swung the door open, with what seemed to be a great amount of effort, the door making loud, eerie creaks as it opened. It seemed that this door wasn’t used much. “After you, Lucy,” the doctor said with a very toothy grin.

“Where are we,” Lucy asked, trying to peek her head in to get a look without committing to entering the room.

“This is where we’re meeting your parents. We all need to have a talk, together. Don’t keep them waiting, sweetie.”

Lucy stood still and looked at Dr. Fulson with a lot of confusion and apprehension. “I thought you said they’d be here after us,” Lucy said slowly.

The doctor grasped Lucy’s arm tightly and pulled her through the doorway.

#

Stay classy and sassy

New Year, New Goals

Hello 2018! So since my last post was about reflecting, I thought I would take a moment to also look ahead.

What am I hoping to achieve in 2018?

Well:

  • Lose 30 pounds (so cliché, I know)
  • Finish a story
  • Write more poetry
  • Hit 50% mark of a complete GameCube collection
  • Hit 30 Etsy sales (You can find my shop here)
  • Create 1 new full page of products in my Etsy shop
  • Consistently blog and create content
  • Create a Twitch streaming schedule and consistently stream
  • Consistently work out regularly

I feel like all of these are good and attainable goals for 2018.

To get started with my list of goals I’m going to end with a poem:

Fresh snow;

Untouched,

Newly settled.

So much promise.

Perhaps it’ll become a snowman?

A snow angel?

A fort?

Ammo for a snowball fight?

All this potential,

All these ideas,

It all starts with new beginnings.

#

Stay classy and sassy

Reading & Writing

Lately I have been reading a lot. Like almost all of my free time has been spent reading. From manga to novels, I have been devouring a lot of what is on my bookshelves. Which is a good thing because my backlog is HUGE!

So where did this motivation for reading come from? I recently discovered a side of YouTube that I had no idea existed. BookTube. I don’t know why I didn’t think that this existed but I have been so engrossed in my new find. I think seeing so many other people’s love for books and reading really inspired me to read more and discover new authors, worlds, characters and stories.

I also have been lacking in the inspiration department for my own stories. Reading is a way that I can find inspiration to breathe new life into stories to keep them going. Now this can also be dangerous as sometimes work can too closely resemble another author’s story or writing style. I’m still learning and try my best to combat this by not reading the same author too much in a period of time when I know that I will also be writing.

Some of you may be asking what exactly have I been reading? Well, I am preparing for the new Cardcaptor Sakura manga to be released this month, So I read the Master of Clow arc that I had no idea existed until recently. I also have read the first 3 books of the Sword Art Online light novel series because I am a weeb. I read Firecracker by David Iserson and  Lies my Girlfriend Told Me by Julie Anne Peters. All are fantastic books in their own right. They all have inspired me to keep going with my current stories but to also try working with different kinds of characters and stories. I’m looking forward to continuing to both read and write more as well as see how all of my recent and current reading shapes and influences my writing. Both in good and bad ways 😛

Stay classy and sassy ❤

Thoughts

“I’m not ready.”

Yet I never will be.

“It’s not fair.”

Then again it never is.

“I’ll never adjust.”

Suddenly, one day you do.

“I never asked for this.”

No one ever does, but you deal.

“I’ll never forget.”

And I don’t, though I do forgive.

#

Looks like poetry is making a comeback from me.

❤ Stay classy and sassy

Lost in Thought

Sharing some thoughts from last night

Last night as I had YouTube aimlessly playing music in the background of me getting some stuff done around my room, it was randomly playing song after song. I soon found myself “rabbit holing” to some real throwbacks of my teenage years. I stopped to listen and really hear the lyrics to some of my favorite tunes from my past. The lyrics caught me by surprise to some of the songs. My younger self hadn’t truly listened or understood much of what the artist was singing about.

Now I do. And oh how I can relate now. These songs and subject matter really struck a chord with me and immediately got me thinking about myself, my life and my choices so far.

At first I was thinking about all the mistakes I’ve made. But I stopped myself. That word, mistakes. I don’t feel like it should be a word, at least not one to be used to describe past choices in one’s life. Every choice or action I made and make serves a purpose. I might not like the outcome of that choice or action I make but if I didn’t make that choice or do that action I wouldn’t be right where I am today.

And I like where I am today. Honestly it takes a lot of strength, understanding and patience to say that.

Let me put it into a bit of perspective for you. I am 24 years old and I live at home with my family again after previously living on my own. I’m also divorced. My marriage lasted less than a year and I was left with a lot of feelings and emotions after my marriage ended. Now I won’t get into all of that, but last night I was thinking about my marriage and divorce, I was thinking about how it was a big mistake.

In reality that couldn’t be further from the truth. It was meant to happen to teach me so much about myself, about others, about love and about relationships.

Plus if I hadn’t chosen to do it, I wouldn’t have Mathew or my career or some of the best friends I am blessed to have now. I also doubt I would have my blog or my Etsy shop if I hadn’t had my marriage and divorce. I just know that I definitely wouldn’t have the appreciation for everything that I do now.

This is all a good and helpful reminder that everything really does happen for a reason. I am understanding and accepting of my choices. I am happy I went through my marriage and my divorces. As weird as that sounds.

I just need to remind myself of this from time to time.

So remember, no mistakes, only purpose.

This isn’t to say we can’t change choices or mend broken things. We can. We will.

Stay classy and sassy<3