(Almost) Birthday Time

My 25th birthday is tomorrow. Am I excited? Not really. Am I dreading it? Eh, kind of.

I think the new age of all this social media and access to so much information really takes it’s toll. It’s shoved in our faces what constitutes successes and failures mostly in what we should have and strive for by the time we’re a certain age.

Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand that I only see the faces that these people want me to see on social media and the internet (for the most part) but subconsciously I guess it just really gets to me.

I’m not saying that I feel disappointed where I’m at in my life, because I’m not for the most part. There will always be things that I really wished I had done differently. But if I had I wouldn’t be in this exact place in my life. And honestly, sometimes that last sentence really gets to me because sometimes I don’t want to be where I’m at. Especially the times that I’m fighting to keep the demons away, those demons as many of you know, are depression and anxiety.

The fact that the weather here in Ohio is so crappy almost helps with my birthday being tomorrow. I want to do something but I also just want to stay in my room and not really do too much. My choice of doing something big and exciting is almost being decided for me and for those who know me personally, I have a hard time making big choices. Or really choices at all.

This birthday is probably going to be spent doing a lot of reflecting on many different things in my life and I’m okay with that. I kind of need this time to just reflect, realize and realign myself in my wants, desires, dreams and needs to try and set myself on the correct path back to happiness.

Stay classy and sassy.

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New Day, New Hope

So today is a new day. And as I said before, I’m just trying to take things one day at a time.

It’s interesting how when you’re down, you’re more aware of the ups and the downs in the days. And boy, how it’s felt like there’s been quite a few ups and lots of downs.

Yesterday was an improvement from Monday and today was an even bigger improvement. Don’t get me wrong there were moments where I got really down today. But thankfully, my work friends are there for me and helped pull me up rather quickly and keep me there. And Mathew. I can’t forget how much of a rock he’s been for me.

I am holding on to the good days and trying not to let the bad days grab hold of me too much. But that’s just so difficult in the moment. Life really is a constant battle and one that I just don’t want to keep fighting some times. Not to say I’m in any danger or need emergency assistance, I don’t. I just mean fighting in the sense of, yes I know I need to do A, B, and C to make myself feel better in the long run but I don’t want to.

I say this because I have a feeling of defeat already. Why should I bother to do these things, I ask myself on an almost constant basis. Yes, I’ll feel better if I stick with them but my past track record shows that I won’t and then I’ll end up right back in this same spot. It’s a vicious cycle that I just don’t feel strong enough or quite ready to break.

Wow. Now that was a powerful thing to admit to myself and all of you.

I want to and need to work on building that strength back before being able to break the cycle once and for all. And for that I need assistance from my support group and will need a tremendous amount of guidance and hand holding to get there.

But hey, one step at a time.

Stay classy and sassy.

Looking Through Blue Tinted Glasses

An update on me

So ya girl finally got hit with the winter sickness.

And the winter blues.

Which is why two posts were missing from last week.

So I want to be up front and honest with you guys. My mental health has been deteriorating over the past couple of months and I’m doing everything I can to hold on to what I have and build back the rest.

Which is why I want to share what I have been doing to try and help myself. To hopefully help you guys that are having a tough time like I am.

I’ve been reading a lot more, taking the time to myself to read, just to get out of my head for a bit. Books have always been my biggest escape from the world so getting back into that is nice. I recently picked up a bunch of new books (not that I need them, because I don’t, my backlog is HUGE).

I’m also trying to remind myself to get dressed, even if I’m going to be at home all day because looking nice is sometimes half the battle, especially with me because some of my current feelings have to do with the way I look. Plus if I already fought myself to get dressed and ready for the day, I’m more likely to go out and do something, which gets me moving and active which is a good thing. Plus I’m making myself go out. I drag myself out of bed and to work when I don’t want to (which is saying a lot if I don’t want to go to work as I love my job). I’m just trying to keep a normal and consistent schedule. For me, inconsistencies are sometimes an issue for me, especially when it comes to my social anxieties.

Which keeping a normal and consistent schedule also means doing a lot of the same things even when I’m at home. Which is really tough. I don’t always want to work on my blog or my Etsy shop when I get super down but (trying to) stick with these things really do help.

I also am making sure I tell people what’s going on the best that I can and talking to them. Being upfront and honest with a lot of the people in my life makes it easier to go to them or leaves them understanding a bit more why I may cancel or reject an invite to go out and do things. Though the people I surround myself with are amazing and a tremendous help, they can’t do everything, which is why I started seeing a psychologist again. Now this particular psychologist is someone that I saw in the past and both decided together with where he is located geographically and my schedule and a few other things to go our separate ways so I will be venturing in to new territory as I start my journey finding someone new, that I am compatible with. Thankfully he gave me a recommendation but we will have to wait and see.

Seeing someone is a lot of different emotions. I know that I am the first to support and even sometimes push friends and loved ones towards a therapy route to help them but at the same time it’s hard to get to a place where you, yourself is ready to go forward with it. I know I just got to that place.

Just like anything else, I have my good days with this and my bad days. Today is a sort of bad day for me. But all I can do is take it one day at a time and see what tomorrow brings.

Stay classy and sassy.

 

New Year, New Goals

Hello 2018! So since my last post was about reflecting, I thought I would take a moment to also look ahead.

What am I hoping to achieve in 2018?

Well:

  • Lose 30 pounds (so cliché, I know)
  • Finish a story
  • Write more poetry
  • Hit 50% mark of a complete GameCube collection
  • Hit 30 Etsy sales (You can find my shop here)
  • Create 1 new full page of products in my Etsy shop
  • Consistently blog and create content
  • Create a Twitch streaming schedule and consistently stream
  • Consistently work out regularly

I feel like all of these are good and attainable goals for 2018.

To get started with my list of goals I’m going to end with a poem:

Fresh snow;

Untouched,

Newly settled.

So much promise.

Perhaps it’ll become a snowman?

A snow angel?

A fort?

Ammo for a snowball fight?

All this potential,

All these ideas,

It all starts with new beginnings.

#

Stay classy and sassy

Goodbye 2017!!

Reflecting on the year as a whole

This is my last post for 2017! Oh my goodness, I can’t believe it’s about to be 2018. It really is true, the older you get the faster time seems to move. And yes, I know I’m only 24.

I wanted to take some time to reflect on good ole 2017 for a moment. All the good and some of the bad. 2017 has been one of the biggest years for me to date.

In 2017 I was able to travel to more places than I would have ever imagined and I got to do it with my best friend by my side. We went to Illinois, Indy, Tennessee, Kentucky, Mississippi and all over Ohio!

Mathew and I also had the pleasure of attending many cons during 2017 which is one of my favorite things to do with my free time.

I was able to make many new friends this year, strengthen relationships and let go of some other relationship, that last part sucked at the time but I’m (almost) okay with it now.

Unfortunately I almost lost my grandmother this year but she’s a strong, stubborn, fighter so thankfully we still have her with us. And she’s still living at home which is an even bigger blessing.

One of the biggest 2017 moments is that my divorce was finalized! It was such a huge and terrifying day but one I’m so glad to have had and have behind me.

2017 marked a new and big step in my career for me as I got a new job! My second full time job! Woo! And I absolutely love ever second of this new job. Plus I also opened NerdCentral13, my Etsy shop, this year! And I hit my goal of 10 sales in the first year! Yeah! Collinswoah’s Corner also got upgraded and hit it’s first birthday! Big milestones!

I bought my first car and love her to death. Her name is Vivian and she is my nerd-mobile.

I had many dark and troubling days this year but I got thought each and everyone of them. I won’t get into this too much as I want to keep this as happy as possible 🙂

Lastly, for those interested, my GameCube collection has grown tremendously. I am over my 30% goal for 2017 and actually have achieved 44.32% completion for 2017 which I am completely shocked by still.

I hope you all have had a great 2017. Here’s to an even better 2018!

Stay classy and sassy ❤

“Not Resolved”

Just some ramblings for today.

I see this phrase every day. “Not Resolved.” Some days I don’t give it a second though, others it gets me thinking a lot.

Mostly about my previous choices. So many unresolved feelings and emotions. So many unresolved conflicts.

Maybe they really are resolved? The feelings that I have about them are because there was no real finality to it. But i’m here, I moved forward and I’ve moved on (mostly).

Everything in life isn’t always resolved like we want it to be. I mean, look at death, we don’t get to resolve things or even say goodbye most of the time. Maybe, when both parties walk away from the conflict, leaving it to die out on its own, that’s actually a resolution. Similar with feelings and emotions, not expressing them helps with the moving on process at times and can even resolve it.

Just some food for thought.

Stay classy and sassy<3

Merry Christmas!

Today is Christmas! Yay!!!!

My family, Mathew and I celebrated yesterday as today we get to drive down to Mathew’s house to celebrate with his family.

I love this time of year but I also dread it.

Christmas is my favorite holiday (just right behind my birthday ;)) because of the feelings, colors, decorations, thought that I get to put into gifts, the music, just all of it. But it’s also a hard time for me as well. With the days being so short the darkness makes it difficult to stay upbeat and happy. Plus I don’t have as many people physically around as I used to, to celebrate with.

I am very happy and blessed with what I have but it’s hard to not think about what isn’t anymore.

Everyone enjoy their day, hug their loved ones and just relax.

Stay classy and sassy<3