Rough Waters Lead to a Calming Sea Eventually, Right?

Recapping the last few days

I hit a couple bumps in the road Monday and Tuesday. So why not get them out in the open?

So Monday I wasn’t feeling well because here in Ohio we went from winter weather to spring weather back to winter weather in a matter of days. It really hit my sinuses hard and I wasn’t feeling well Monday so I cancelled my psychologist appointment. I’m not happy that I did this at all but I couldn’t really stand the thought of leaving my room with a sinus migraine most of the day. But hey, there’s always next time. Which reminds me, I need to schedule a new appointment. 🙂

I’ve said before that I live with my parents and grandmother which isn’t the most ideal or worst living situation. With that being said, our home sits pretty far back on our lot, causing our driveway to be pretty long and mostly gravel. Well, over the weekend and in to yesterday, we got probably at least 6 inches of snow but no more than 7 or 8 inches. Well as you can imagine where this is going, one of us wound up off the driveway and stuck in the snow with our car. It was a mess and a nightmare but eventually we got the car out. (Thanks AAA) But helping with the car, the snow, and all of that cause me to hurt my back again.

In the last 6 months this is like the 2nd or 3rd time. Which is beyond frustrating to me and I just feel trapped in this cycle of okay, managing and hurt. It doesn’t help that my last two real experiences with chiropractors haven’t exactly been the most positive causing me to want to shy away from that kind of care. Plus the costs of most care, whether it be chiropractic, massage, etc., isn’t exactly cheap. But that’s a different tangent that I don’t need to go off on.

With the back pain, I stayed home from work Tuesday and just stayed in bed pretty much all day trying to nurse the pain away. And it definitely has helped. I’m also trying to be a little more active, working through the pain a bit to try and strengthen my back so this hopefully does not continue to happen and that it doesn’t continue to let me get so down and depressed about it.

Speaking of my depression (and my anxiety because those seem to go hand-in-hand), I tend to take a lot of it out by cleaning, and organizing. Since both have been quite a lot to deal with lately, I’ve been doing a lot of cleaning and a lot of organizing, to the point that I am slowly running out of things to organize and clean. To the point of, I have been organizing my thoughts and note taking methods. I now have a notebook for pretty much everything. I have one for my blog, my Etsy shop, my personal journal at home, my personal journal at work, I have one for work, and I have one for my personal writing. So with this new journal-craze, I have a lot of reshuffling and movements of notes, ideas, and works. I am happy to be re-writing all of this stuff because it really is helping light a new fire into some of my passions that I’ve just been slowly losing interest in.

Though it’s been a rough last couple of days and I’m in a place where it’s difficult to see/focus on the positive, I’m still putting my foot forward and letting the path take me where it may because in the end it’ll eventually lead me forward.

Stay classy and sassy.

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Taking a Small Step Forward

I made it through my birthday weekend a little bit stronger than I thought I would.

My birthday has come and gone, now I feel like I can breathe a bit of a sigh of relief. No more worry about what the day will be or what I will do or who will be a part of it (or who won’t). And that’s such a great feeling.

With my birthday I put such a pressure on the day to be this extra special day because when I was younger that’s what it was. It was always a day that I got to really choose what I got to do (always within reason of course) and so as an adult I guess I wanted that to carry over. But the more that I think about that, the less realistic it is to get that feeling from that day. I’m an adult now (and have been for a couple years already) and with being an adult I get to pretty much do what I want, when I want every day (again, within reason of course). Putting so much on a single day is just unrealistic and I don’t think I really realized I did this until I finally took the time to just reflect. Which is something I should be doing more often to fully open my eyes to what is actually going on and happening. Which is why I’ve been journal-ing more.

I’ve been making an effort to take the time to journal a lot more lately because I know that I personally fall victim to what I’m feeling in the moment far too often. With my mental health lately I know how important it is for me to keep track of what I’m feeling, thinking or going through so when I do go and talk with someone, professionally or otherwise, I can sort of remind myself about how things really were on Tuesday though I’m feeling a completely different way on Friday.

I know that I have some issues I really want to work through and goals that I really want to work towards this year and my health is the foundation to all of that. If I’m not healthy mentally, emotionally and physically, I won’t be able to even begin to tackle those things.

Here’s to sticking with what I’m starting and putting a foot forward, even if it ends up being a step backward.

Stay classy and sassy.

(Almost) Birthday Time

My 25th birthday is tomorrow. Am I excited? Not really. Am I dreading it? Eh, kind of.

I think the new age of all this social media and access to so much information really takes it’s toll. It’s shoved in our faces what constitutes successes and failures mostly in what we should have and strive for by the time we’re a certain age.

Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand that I only see the faces that these people want me to see on social media and the internet (for the most part) but subconsciously I guess it just really gets to me.

I’m not saying that I feel disappointed where I’m at in my life, because I’m not for the most part. There will always be things that I really wished I had done differently. But if I had I wouldn’t be in this exact place in my life. And honestly, sometimes that last sentence really gets to me because sometimes I don’t want to be where I’m at. Especially the times that I’m fighting to keep the demons away, those demons as many of you know, are depression and anxiety.

The fact that the weather here in Ohio is so crappy almost helps with my birthday being tomorrow. I want to do something but I also just want to stay in my room and not really do too much. My choice of doing something big and exciting is almost being decided for me and for those who know me personally, I have a hard time making big choices. Or really choices at all.

This birthday is probably going to be spent doing a lot of reflecting on many different things in my life and I’m okay with that. I kind of need this time to just reflect, realize and realign myself in my wants, desires, dreams and needs to try and set myself on the correct path back to happiness.

Stay classy and sassy.

New Day, New Hope

So today is a new day. And as I said before, I’m just trying to take things one day at a time.

It’s interesting how when you’re down, you’re more aware of the ups and the downs in the days. And boy, how it’s felt like there’s been quite a few ups and lots of downs.

Yesterday was an improvement from Monday and today was an even bigger improvement. Don’t get me wrong there were moments where I got really down today. But thankfully, my work friends are there for me and helped pull me up rather quickly and keep me there. And Mathew. I can’t forget how much of a rock he’s been for me.

I am holding on to the good days and trying not to let the bad days grab hold of me too much. But that’s just so difficult in the moment. Life really is a constant battle and one that I just don’t want to keep fighting some times. Not to say I’m in any danger or need emergency assistance, I don’t. I just mean fighting in the sense of, yes I know I need to do A, B, and C to make myself feel better in the long run but I don’t want to.

I say this because I have a feeling of defeat already. Why should I bother to do these things, I ask myself on an almost constant basis. Yes, I’ll feel better if I stick with them but my past track record shows that I won’t and then I’ll end up right back in this same spot. It’s a vicious cycle that I just don’t feel strong enough or quite ready to break.

Wow. Now that was a powerful thing to admit to myself and all of you.

I want to and need to work on building that strength back before being able to break the cycle once and for all. And for that I need assistance from my support group and will need a tremendous amount of guidance and hand holding to get there.

But hey, one step at a time.

Stay classy and sassy.

Looking Through Blue Tinted Glasses

An update on me

So ya girl finally got hit with the winter sickness.

And the winter blues.

Which is why two posts were missing from last week.

So I want to be up front and honest with you guys. My mental health has been deteriorating over the past couple of months and I’m doing everything I can to hold on to what I have and build back the rest.

Which is why I want to share what I have been doing to try and help myself. To hopefully help you guys that are having a tough time like I am.

I’ve been reading a lot more, taking the time to myself to read, just to get out of my head for a bit. Books have always been my biggest escape from the world so getting back into that is nice. I recently picked up a bunch of new books (not that I need them, because I don’t, my backlog is HUGE).

I’m also trying to remind myself to get dressed, even if I’m going to be at home all day because looking nice is sometimes half the battle, especially with me because some of my current feelings have to do with the way I look. Plus if I already fought myself to get dressed and ready for the day, I’m more likely to go out and do something, which gets me moving and active which is a good thing. Plus I’m making myself go out. I drag myself out of bed and to work when I don’t want to (which is saying a lot if I don’t want to go to work as I love my job). I’m just trying to keep a normal and consistent schedule. For me, inconsistencies are sometimes an issue for me, especially when it comes to my social anxieties.

Which keeping a normal and consistent schedule also means doing a lot of the same things even when I’m at home. Which is really tough. I don’t always want to work on my blog or my Etsy shop when I get super down but (trying to) stick with these things really do help.

I also am making sure I tell people what’s going on the best that I can and talking to them. Being upfront and honest with a lot of the people in my life makes it easier to go to them or leaves them understanding a bit more why I may cancel or reject an invite to go out and do things. Though the people I surround myself with are amazing and a tremendous help, they can’t do everything, which is why I started seeing a psychologist again. Now this particular psychologist is someone that I saw in the past and both decided together with where he is located geographically and my schedule and a few other things to go our separate ways so I will be venturing in to new territory as I start my journey finding someone new, that I am compatible with. Thankfully he gave me a recommendation but we will have to wait and see.

Seeing someone is a lot of different emotions. I know that I am the first to support and even sometimes push friends and loved ones towards a therapy route to help them but at the same time it’s hard to get to a place where you, yourself is ready to go forward with it. I know I just got to that place.

Just like anything else, I have my good days with this and my bad days. Today is a sort of bad day for me. But all I can do is take it one day at a time and see what tomorrow brings.

Stay classy and sassy.

 

Change

Enjoy another poem.

Hello guys!

I wrote another poem. Such a surprise right? Nope. Not at all. Here it is:

Change.

Sometimes I’m aware its happening

Other times I’m oblivious.

But regardless I’m always patient.

Biding my time

Being understanding

When all I actually want to do is

Scream, shout, yell.

Tell things to stop. To stay the same or go back to how they were.

I’m not ready for it.

I don’t want it.

And yet,

It happens.

Things change.

And I’m still here;

Being patient,

Understanding,

And trying to make the best of it.

#

Okay, so I wrote this for so many different reasons and things and I want it to stay that way. To stay vague.

So I won’t comment on it too much or expand on my thoughts when writing it because I don’t want to take away from the beauty that it is with how it can be applied to so many specific things as well as broad and generic ideas.

Hope you enjoyed it. It felt good to get out.

Love you guys.

Stay classy and sassy like always.

Life and Fitness Update

Raw and honest but short and sweet!

So I wanted to give you guys an update on me and let it be a little bit more raw and honest. Not that I’m not usually honest but I’m going to be a little bit more out there than usual.

First and foremost I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder in the past and most recently, post-traumatic stress disorder. Let me tell you, this combination can be really hard at times. And lately it has been extremely difficult. Every single day has been a struggle lately to get out of bed and to keep going on with my normal tasks like work, conversations with people, leaving the house, etc. Even blogging lately has been hard. Some of the reasons for the spike in symptoms I know and I have been trying to manage but a lot of them I don’t. I have been trying my best to do everything I know of to help keep things somewhat under control. I also am hoping that the more I keep doing these things and powering through normal every day life that this surge in symptoms will pass with time. All I know is right now, every day is hell. But I’m trying my hardest to keep hope up.

Fitness wise I have gotten back into the swing of things, I have been working my butt off to keep active and to be healthier (not food-wise nearly as much though).

I know it’s short but it’s sweet and gets to the point. Today has been a very hard day for me and I thought about not even posting at all but I didn’t want to let any of you guys down.

I hope you all have a wonderful and amazing weekend. Stay classy and sassy. ❤