The Latest and (Not so) Greatest

Explaining a bit of what’s going on with me.

Monday evening I went to see a psychologist. And I needed it so much. Honestly, more than I even realized. Which we all know, I know I needed it quite a lot.

I’m not going to go into it too much because I have to draw a line somewhere, ya know? But what I am going to share is that I ended up talking about things that I just didn’t realize we bugging me. Obviously they were more subconscious but still. I also was more honest with myself and my psychologist than I feel that I have been about these types of issues.

One of those things being, I hold myself to a very ridiculously high standard. Like stupid high. And I need to stop that. Which won’t happen immediately or all on its own but with work and time, hopefully I can. I also blame myself too much and put pressure on myself in ways I really shouldn’t and ultimately are unhealthy for me.

I’m sure you guys know where this is leading…

I’m taking a break. A real, real break. I’m going to try to learn to relax, focus on me and rest up.

Right now, the high standard that I put on myself with my blog is not helping things. It won’t be too long but it won’t be too short.

Though I’m looking forward to this break, I’m looking forward to working on no pressure writing and just see what blossoms when I come back.

Stay classy and sassy<3

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Blocked

I have sat in front of this screen for over an hour trying to figure out what to write.

And nothing has come.

It’s so frustrating to be in a mood to write anything and everything. About anyone and everyone. But the words won’t come.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

For now I feel a bit defeated.

Slipping Back in to Writing, Slowly

Finally working on some writing!

Today I thought I would try and do some writing since it’s been awhile and I’m honestly trying to get back into the groove of normal. I took a look again at a story I abandoned some time ago and wrote some more to it.

In bold is what I already wrote in a previous post and everything not in bold are the new additions to the story. Enjoy!:

There are doctors and nurses whirling around Lucy as she sits in her hospital gown on a hospital gurney with her parents on either side of her in the emergency room. She shakes ever so slightly under her thin gown both from the chill in the hospital to keep germs from multiplying and from her fear of being in hospitals. Lucy didn’t want to come to the hospital, she would much rather be sitting in her room, being alone and pretending she doesn’t exist to the rest of the world. Her parents on the other hand thought differently and carted her off to the emergency room.

Lucy was deeply bothered by the fact that she wasn’t even waiting to be seen in one of the curtained off rooms, rather she was in a hallway, able to see everything coming in and out of the various areas in the emergency room floor. At one point a prison inmate dressed in his prison orange was wheeled by cuffed to the gurney with gun-toting correction officers on either side of the inmate. After Lucy saw a very bloodied woman quickly rushed past by EMT workers she turned to her mother and said, “can’t we go home? Obviously they’re pretty busy with other things. I doubt they’ll even have time to come see me.”

“Lucy, sweetie, it hasn’t be that long. I’m sure they’ll be with us soon,” said Lucy’s mother, Anna.

As Lucy let out a sigh of exasperation a professionally dressed woman with a notepad approached Lucy and her parents, “Lucy? Hi, I’m Dr. Fulson. Do you mind if I talk with you for a couple minutes?”

Lucy looks at both of her parents with confusion but searching for confirmation in their faces. “Go ahead sweet girl, we’ll be right here waiting for you when you come back,” said Lucy’s father, Joe.

“Okay, I guess we can talk,” said Lucy, confusion apparent in her voice.

Dr. Fulson smiled and offered her hand out to help Lucy up off the gurney. “Let’s go find somewhere a little more quiet and private. This hallway isn’t the best for chatting.”

Lucy shrugs off the offer of the helpful hand and hops off the gurney waiting to follow the doctor. Lucy can feel her frustration increasing because no one in explaining anything to her; why she is there, what Dr. Fulson is a doctor of, why she is still hanging out in a hallway, why she is supposed to go with Dr. Fulson and many more questions. Dr. Fulson leads the way, careful to walk at a slow enough pace that Lucy is able to keep up while navigating through all the equipment and through hustle of the emergency room traffic.

~~~

“Are we done now, Dr. Fulson? I would really like to get back to my parents, and I’m tired of answering the same questions rephrased.” said Lucy after what seemed like a 45 minutes of talking.

“Lucy, I wish you would just relax. I’m just trying to understand what’s going on and how we can help you here. But yes, I’m done with the questions, let’s get going,” Dr. Fulson said as she stood up.

“Finally.” Lucy practically jumped up. and followed Dr. Fulson out in to the hall. She was just looking forward to be back with her parents. There was something about the doctor that was giving Lucy a strange feeling, but she shrugged it off with the calm thought that she would soon be back with her mom and dad.

The more long and winding hallways with many different turns the two took, the less Lucy was convinced Dr. Fulson was really taking her back to her parents. The more turns and doorways they went through the less confident Lucy was she could even get back to the office they had talked in, let alone the emergency room.

“Uh, hey Dr. Fulson, I don’t think we’re going the right way,” Lucy said as they went through yet another double door way.

Dr. Fulson just turned around and smiled in response. She quickly turned back around and waved to a passing doctor.

It was amazing how each and every hallway looked exactly the same; no decor or signs giving away where they might be in hospital. “Where are we going then? Where are my parents,” Lucy asked stopping in the middle of the hallway.

Dr. Fulson stopped and turned around slowly to face Lucy. “They’ll meet us soon enough. Don’t worry, Lucy. We’re almost there, anyhow. Come along,” Dr. Fulson said turning back around and continuing down the hall.

Lucy reluctantly followed the doctor, feeling more uneasy with each step she took. The pair took another turn down yet another hall and as they walked halfway down this hall that looked exactly like every other one they went down, Dr. Fulson stopped at a blank looking door on their right. She raised her key card to the panel next to door and heard it beep. Dr. Fulson swung the door open, with what seemed to be a great amount of effort, the door making loud, eerie creaks as it opened. It seemed that this door wasn’t used much. “After you, Lucy,” the doctor said with a very toothy grin.

“Where are we,” Lucy asked, trying to peek her head in to get a look without committing to entering the room.

“This is where we’re meeting your parents. We all need to have a talk, together. Don’t keep them waiting, sweetie.”

Lucy stood still and looked at Dr. Fulson with a lot of confusion and apprehension. “I thought you said they’d be here after us,” Lucy said slowly.

The doctor grasped Lucy’s arm tightly and pulled her through the doorway.

#

Stay classy and sassy

Rough Waters Lead to a Calming Sea Eventually, Right?

Recapping the last few days

I hit a couple bumps in the road Monday and Tuesday. So why not get them out in the open?

So Monday I wasn’t feeling well because here in Ohio we went from winter weather to spring weather back to winter weather in a matter of days. It really hit my sinuses hard and I wasn’t feeling well Monday so I cancelled my psychologist appointment. I’m not happy that I did this at all but I couldn’t really stand the thought of leaving my room with a sinus migraine most of the day. But hey, there’s always next time. Which reminds me, I need to schedule a new appointment. 🙂

I’ve said before that I live with my parents and grandmother which isn’t the most ideal or worst living situation. With that being said, our home sits pretty far back on our lot, causing our driveway to be pretty long and mostly gravel. Well, over the weekend and in to yesterday, we got probably at least 6 inches of snow but no more than 7 or 8 inches. Well as you can imagine where this is going, one of us wound up off the driveway and stuck in the snow with our car. It was a mess and a nightmare but eventually we got the car out. (Thanks AAA) But helping with the car, the snow, and all of that cause me to hurt my back again.

In the last 6 months this is like the 2nd or 3rd time. Which is beyond frustrating to me and I just feel trapped in this cycle of okay, managing and hurt. It doesn’t help that my last two real experiences with chiropractors haven’t exactly been the most positive causing me to want to shy away from that kind of care. Plus the costs of most care, whether it be chiropractic, massage, etc., isn’t exactly cheap. But that’s a different tangent that I don’t need to go off on.

With the back pain, I stayed home from work Tuesday and just stayed in bed pretty much all day trying to nurse the pain away. And it definitely has helped. I’m also trying to be a little more active, working through the pain a bit to try and strengthen my back so this hopefully does not continue to happen and that it doesn’t continue to let me get so down and depressed about it.

Speaking of my depression (and my anxiety because those seem to go hand-in-hand), I tend to take a lot of it out by cleaning, and organizing. Since both have been quite a lot to deal with lately, I’ve been doing a lot of cleaning and a lot of organizing, to the point that I am slowly running out of things to organize and clean. To the point of, I have been organizing my thoughts and note taking methods. I now have a notebook for pretty much everything. I have one for my blog, my Etsy shop, my personal journal at home, my personal journal at work, I have one for work, and I have one for my personal writing. So with this new journal-craze, I have a lot of reshuffling and movements of notes, ideas, and works. I am happy to be re-writing all of this stuff because it really is helping light a new fire into some of my passions that I’ve just been slowly losing interest in.

Though it’s been a rough last couple of days and I’m in a place where it’s difficult to see/focus on the positive, I’m still putting my foot forward and letting the path take me where it may because in the end it’ll eventually lead me forward.

Stay classy and sassy.

Taking a Small Step Forward

I made it through my birthday weekend a little bit stronger than I thought I would.

My birthday has come and gone, now I feel like I can breathe a bit of a sigh of relief. No more worry about what the day will be or what I will do or who will be a part of it (or who won’t). And that’s such a great feeling.

With my birthday I put such a pressure on the day to be this extra special day because when I was younger that’s what it was. It was always a day that I got to really choose what I got to do (always within reason of course) and so as an adult I guess I wanted that to carry over. But the more that I think about that, the less realistic it is to get that feeling from that day. I’m an adult now (and have been for a couple years already) and with being an adult I get to pretty much do what I want, when I want every day (again, within reason of course). Putting so much on a single day is just unrealistic and I don’t think I really realized I did this until I finally took the time to just reflect. Which is something I should be doing more often to fully open my eyes to what is actually going on and happening. Which is why I’ve been journal-ing more.

I’ve been making an effort to take the time to journal a lot more lately because I know that I personally fall victim to what I’m feeling in the moment far too often. With my mental health lately I know how important it is for me to keep track of what I’m feeling, thinking or going through so when I do go and talk with someone, professionally or otherwise, I can sort of remind myself about how things really were on Tuesday though I’m feeling a completely different way on Friday.

I know that I have some issues I really want to work through and goals that I really want to work towards this year and my health is the foundation to all of that. If I’m not healthy mentally, emotionally and physically, I won’t be able to even begin to tackle those things.

Here’s to sticking with what I’m starting and putting a foot forward, even if it ends up being a step backward.

Stay classy and sassy.

(Almost) Birthday Time

My 25th birthday is tomorrow. Am I excited? Not really. Am I dreading it? Eh, kind of.

I think the new age of all this social media and access to so much information really takes it’s toll. It’s shoved in our faces what constitutes successes and failures mostly in what we should have and strive for by the time we’re a certain age.

Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand that I only see the faces that these people want me to see on social media and the internet (for the most part) but subconsciously I guess it just really gets to me.

I’m not saying that I feel disappointed where I’m at in my life, because I’m not for the most part. There will always be things that I really wished I had done differently. But if I had I wouldn’t be in this exact place in my life. And honestly, sometimes that last sentence really gets to me because sometimes I don’t want to be where I’m at. Especially the times that I’m fighting to keep the demons away, those demons as many of you know, are depression and anxiety.

The fact that the weather here in Ohio is so crappy almost helps with my birthday being tomorrow. I want to do something but I also just want to stay in my room and not really do too much. My choice of doing something big and exciting is almost being decided for me and for those who know me personally, I have a hard time making big choices. Or really choices at all.

This birthday is probably going to be spent doing a lot of reflecting on many different things in my life and I’m okay with that. I kind of need this time to just reflect, realize and realign myself in my wants, desires, dreams and needs to try and set myself on the correct path back to happiness.

Stay classy and sassy.

New Day, New Hope

So today is a new day. And as I said before, I’m just trying to take things one day at a time.

It’s interesting how when you’re down, you’re more aware of the ups and the downs in the days. And boy, how it’s felt like there’s been quite a few ups and lots of downs.

Yesterday was an improvement from Monday and today was an even bigger improvement. Don’t get me wrong there were moments where I got really down today. But thankfully, my work friends are there for me and helped pull me up rather quickly and keep me there. And Mathew. I can’t forget how much of a rock he’s been for me.

I am holding on to the good days and trying not to let the bad days grab hold of me too much. But that’s just so difficult in the moment. Life really is a constant battle and one that I just don’t want to keep fighting some times. Not to say I’m in any danger or need emergency assistance, I don’t. I just mean fighting in the sense of, yes I know I need to do A, B, and C to make myself feel better in the long run but I don’t want to.

I say this because I have a feeling of defeat already. Why should I bother to do these things, I ask myself on an almost constant basis. Yes, I’ll feel better if I stick with them but my past track record shows that I won’t and then I’ll end up right back in this same spot. It’s a vicious cycle that I just don’t feel strong enough or quite ready to break.

Wow. Now that was a powerful thing to admit to myself and all of you.

I want to and need to work on building that strength back before being able to break the cycle once and for all. And for that I need assistance from my support group and will need a tremendous amount of guidance and hand holding to get there.

But hey, one step at a time.

Stay classy and sassy.