Desire (WIP)

I know I said I would get into my time off more in detail but I’ve been finding it difficult to find the right words to articulate what I’m exactly trying to say and have come across. So that is coming. It’s just a work in progress.

However, I’ve been feeling the poetry bug lately. So I wanted to share one that I’m happy with how it’s turned out so far.

I have all these things I want to try,

To accomplish,

To do.

I take steps forward to try.

Small steps.

But that’s when the anxiety creeps in;

“They’ll make fun of you. You’re not good enough. Do you really know how? Do you actually have the time? The drive? Are you skills good enough? Do you have the right stuff?”

These thoughts pull me down.

Quickly snuffing out the fire of any desire I once had.

Not even letting it catch to let it start to blaze within me.

And so I’m left with the same routine.

Doing the same things day in and day out.

What happened to trying? What happened to pushing? What happened to just doing?

What happened to me? When did I change? Where did the person I know go?

 

I hope to find her again.

To let the desire catch and burn, letting nothing stand in it’s way.

#

It’s a little all over the place but the idea is there. I just need to work on getting it more together to flush it out even more. Considering it’s my first poem since I decided to first take my break, I’m proud of it. Sharing what you write is incredibly raw and emotional. It’s hard. But there’s something different about sharing a work in progress. It’s still hard, raw and emotional. But there’s a beauty about it. You get to see that writer in a different way. It’s almost like they show just how human they can really be.

And hey, I’m human.

Stay classy and sassy

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I Have (Finally) Returned!

Look who’s made a choice on coming back! Me!

It’s definitely been awhile and I have most definitely thought a lot about my blog…

I thought a lot about whether I wanted to continue with it or if I wanted to say goodbye to Collinswoah’sCorner. And the decision has not been easy. On one hand it’s been nice to not have the pressure of thinking about what to write and coming up with content. On the other hand, I really feel like part of me has been missing and I missed producing content.

With that being said, I am going to continue with Collinswoah’sCorner BUT I will be cutting back the amount of times I am posting a week. I plan to now only post 1 to 2 times a week and only post content that I’m super happy with as well as super proud of, which is what I should always be doing regardless.

My time off has been good but definitely rocky. I had a tough time with my health physically and mentally. I’m happy to say I’ve been working hard on sifting my focus and reorganizing my way of thinking when it comes to me and my approach to certain topics. It is, of course, a work in progress but we all are. It’s part of life.

I plan on going into more detail about the kinds of things I faced in my time off in my next post, this one I just wanted to keep sort and sweet. Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about you guys or the blog. I’ve honestly missed this part of my days and my routine.

So I’m back! Good content about me and writing coming your way so stay tuned and be hyped. I know I am, which is great to say…

Stay classy and sassy just like always<3

The Latest and (Not so) Greatest

Explaining a bit of what’s going on with me.

Monday evening I went to see a psychologist. And I needed it so much. Honestly, more than I even realized. Which we all know, I know I needed it quite a lot.

I’m not going to go into it too much because I have to draw a line somewhere, ya know? But what I am going to share is that I ended up talking about things that I just didn’t realize we bugging me. Obviously they were more subconscious but still. I also was more honest with myself and my psychologist than I feel that I have been about these types of issues.

One of those things being, I hold myself to a very ridiculously high standard. Like stupid high. And I need to stop that. Which won’t happen immediately or all on its own but with work and time, hopefully I can. I also blame myself too much and put pressure on myself in ways I really shouldn’t and ultimately are unhealthy for me.

I’m sure you guys know where this is leading…

I’m taking a break. A real, real break. I’m going to try to learn to relax, focus on me and rest up.

Right now, the high standard that I put on myself with my blog is not helping things. It won’t be too long but it won’t be too short.

Though I’m looking forward to this break, I’m looking forward to working on no pressure writing and just see what blossoms when I come back.

Stay classy and sassy<3

Blocked

I have sat in front of this screen for over an hour trying to figure out what to write.

And nothing has come.

It’s so frustrating to be in a mood to write anything and everything. About anyone and everyone. But the words won’t come.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

For now I feel a bit defeated.

Slipping Back in to Writing, Slowly

Finally working on some writing!

Today I thought I would try and do some writing since it’s been awhile and I’m honestly trying to get back into the groove of normal. I took a look again at a story I abandoned some time ago and wrote some more to it.

In bold is what I already wrote in a previous post and everything not in bold are the new additions to the story. Enjoy!:

There are doctors and nurses whirling around Lucy as she sits in her hospital gown on a hospital gurney with her parents on either side of her in the emergency room. She shakes ever so slightly under her thin gown both from the chill in the hospital to keep germs from multiplying and from her fear of being in hospitals. Lucy didn’t want to come to the hospital, she would much rather be sitting in her room, being alone and pretending she doesn’t exist to the rest of the world. Her parents on the other hand thought differently and carted her off to the emergency room.

Lucy was deeply bothered by the fact that she wasn’t even waiting to be seen in one of the curtained off rooms, rather she was in a hallway, able to see everything coming in and out of the various areas in the emergency room floor. At one point a prison inmate dressed in his prison orange was wheeled by cuffed to the gurney with gun-toting correction officers on either side of the inmate. After Lucy saw a very bloodied woman quickly rushed past by EMT workers she turned to her mother and said, “can’t we go home? Obviously they’re pretty busy with other things. I doubt they’ll even have time to come see me.”

“Lucy, sweetie, it hasn’t be that long. I’m sure they’ll be with us soon,” said Lucy’s mother, Anna.

As Lucy let out a sigh of exasperation a professionally dressed woman with a notepad approached Lucy and her parents, “Lucy? Hi, I’m Dr. Fulson. Do you mind if I talk with you for a couple minutes?”

Lucy looks at both of her parents with confusion but searching for confirmation in their faces. “Go ahead sweet girl, we’ll be right here waiting for you when you come back,” said Lucy’s father, Joe.

“Okay, I guess we can talk,” said Lucy, confusion apparent in her voice.

Dr. Fulson smiled and offered her hand out to help Lucy up off the gurney. “Let’s go find somewhere a little more quiet and private. This hallway isn’t the best for chatting.”

Lucy shrugs off the offer of the helpful hand and hops off the gurney waiting to follow the doctor. Lucy can feel her frustration increasing because no one in explaining anything to her; why she is there, what Dr. Fulson is a doctor of, why she is still hanging out in a hallway, why she is supposed to go with Dr. Fulson and many more questions. Dr. Fulson leads the way, careful to walk at a slow enough pace that Lucy is able to keep up while navigating through all the equipment and through hustle of the emergency room traffic.

~~~

“Are we done now, Dr. Fulson? I would really like to get back to my parents, and I’m tired of answering the same questions rephrased.” said Lucy after what seemed like a 45 minutes of talking.

“Lucy, I wish you would just relax. I’m just trying to understand what’s going on and how we can help you here. But yes, I’m done with the questions, let’s get going,” Dr. Fulson said as she stood up.

“Finally.” Lucy practically jumped up. and followed Dr. Fulson out in to the hall. She was just looking forward to be back with her parents. There was something about the doctor that was giving Lucy a strange feeling, but she shrugged it off with the calm thought that she would soon be back with her mom and dad.

The more long and winding hallways with many different turns the two took, the less Lucy was convinced Dr. Fulson was really taking her back to her parents. The more turns and doorways they went through the less confident Lucy was she could even get back to the office they had talked in, let alone the emergency room.

“Uh, hey Dr. Fulson, I don’t think we’re going the right way,” Lucy said as they went through yet another double door way.

Dr. Fulson just turned around and smiled in response. She quickly turned back around and waved to a passing doctor.

It was amazing how each and every hallway looked exactly the same; no decor or signs giving away where they might be in hospital. “Where are we going then? Where are my parents,” Lucy asked stopping in the middle of the hallway.

Dr. Fulson stopped and turned around slowly to face Lucy. “They’ll meet us soon enough. Don’t worry, Lucy. We’re almost there, anyhow. Come along,” Dr. Fulson said turning back around and continuing down the hall.

Lucy reluctantly followed the doctor, feeling more uneasy with each step she took. The pair took another turn down yet another hall and as they walked halfway down this hall that looked exactly like every other one they went down, Dr. Fulson stopped at a blank looking door on their right. She raised her key card to the panel next to door and heard it beep. Dr. Fulson swung the door open, with what seemed to be a great amount of effort, the door making loud, eerie creaks as it opened. It seemed that this door wasn’t used much. “After you, Lucy,” the doctor said with a very toothy grin.

“Where are we,” Lucy asked, trying to peek her head in to get a look without committing to entering the room.

“This is where we’re meeting your parents. We all need to have a talk, together. Don’t keep them waiting, sweetie.”

Lucy stood still and looked at Dr. Fulson with a lot of confusion and apprehension. “I thought you said they’d be here after us,” Lucy said slowly.

The doctor grasped Lucy’s arm tightly and pulled her through the doorway.

#

Stay classy and sassy

Rough Waters Lead to a Calming Sea Eventually, Right?

Recapping the last few days

I hit a couple bumps in the road Monday and Tuesday. So why not get them out in the open?

So Monday I wasn’t feeling well because here in Ohio we went from winter weather to spring weather back to winter weather in a matter of days. It really hit my sinuses hard and I wasn’t feeling well Monday so I cancelled my psychologist appointment. I’m not happy that I did this at all but I couldn’t really stand the thought of leaving my room with a sinus migraine most of the day. But hey, there’s always next time. Which reminds me, I need to schedule a new appointment. 🙂

I’ve said before that I live with my parents and grandmother which isn’t the most ideal or worst living situation. With that being said, our home sits pretty far back on our lot, causing our driveway to be pretty long and mostly gravel. Well, over the weekend and in to yesterday, we got probably at least 6 inches of snow but no more than 7 or 8 inches. Well as you can imagine where this is going, one of us wound up off the driveway and stuck in the snow with our car. It was a mess and a nightmare but eventually we got the car out. (Thanks AAA) But helping with the car, the snow, and all of that cause me to hurt my back again.

In the last 6 months this is like the 2nd or 3rd time. Which is beyond frustrating to me and I just feel trapped in this cycle of okay, managing and hurt. It doesn’t help that my last two real experiences with chiropractors haven’t exactly been the most positive causing me to want to shy away from that kind of care. Plus the costs of most care, whether it be chiropractic, massage, etc., isn’t exactly cheap. But that’s a different tangent that I don’t need to go off on.

With the back pain, I stayed home from work Tuesday and just stayed in bed pretty much all day trying to nurse the pain away. And it definitely has helped. I’m also trying to be a little more active, working through the pain a bit to try and strengthen my back so this hopefully does not continue to happen and that it doesn’t continue to let me get so down and depressed about it.

Speaking of my depression (and my anxiety because those seem to go hand-in-hand), I tend to take a lot of it out by cleaning, and organizing. Since both have been quite a lot to deal with lately, I’ve been doing a lot of cleaning and a lot of organizing, to the point that I am slowly running out of things to organize and clean. To the point of, I have been organizing my thoughts and note taking methods. I now have a notebook for pretty much everything. I have one for my blog, my Etsy shop, my personal journal at home, my personal journal at work, I have one for work, and I have one for my personal writing. So with this new journal-craze, I have a lot of reshuffling and movements of notes, ideas, and works. I am happy to be re-writing all of this stuff because it really is helping light a new fire into some of my passions that I’ve just been slowly losing interest in.

Though it’s been a rough last couple of days and I’m in a place where it’s difficult to see/focus on the positive, I’m still putting my foot forward and letting the path take me where it may because in the end it’ll eventually lead me forward.

Stay classy and sassy.

Taking a Small Step Forward

I made it through my birthday weekend a little bit stronger than I thought I would.

My birthday has come and gone, now I feel like I can breathe a bit of a sigh of relief. No more worry about what the day will be or what I will do or who will be a part of it (or who won’t). And that’s such a great feeling.

With my birthday I put such a pressure on the day to be this extra special day because when I was younger that’s what it was. It was always a day that I got to really choose what I got to do (always within reason of course) and so as an adult I guess I wanted that to carry over. But the more that I think about that, the less realistic it is to get that feeling from that day. I’m an adult now (and have been for a couple years already) and with being an adult I get to pretty much do what I want, when I want every day (again, within reason of course). Putting so much on a single day is just unrealistic and I don’t think I really realized I did this until I finally took the time to just reflect. Which is something I should be doing more often to fully open my eyes to what is actually going on and happening. Which is why I’ve been journal-ing more.

I’ve been making an effort to take the time to journal a lot more lately because I know that I personally fall victim to what I’m feeling in the moment far too often. With my mental health lately I know how important it is for me to keep track of what I’m feeling, thinking or going through so when I do go and talk with someone, professionally or otherwise, I can sort of remind myself about how things really were on Tuesday though I’m feeling a completely different way on Friday.

I know that I have some issues I really want to work through and goals that I really want to work towards this year and my health is the foundation to all of that. If I’m not healthy mentally, emotionally and physically, I won’t be able to even begin to tackle those things.

Here’s to sticking with what I’m starting and putting a foot forward, even if it ends up being a step backward.

Stay classy and sassy.